


Dave Strider's Adventures: The Incident

by sharlatan



Series: AU where Dave does dumb shit [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Pesterlog, non sburb, pesterfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2013-12-15
Packaged: 2018-01-04 16:38:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharlatan/pseuds/sharlatan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG: remember how i burned down my last apartment building because i was trying out the sicknasty cake recipe that your dad sent my bro and i<br/>GT: yeah, how'd that even happen?<br/>TG: nevermind how it happened point is that it did and my old home is now gone with the wind to ride in the vahlalla of fuck you strider</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dave Strider's Adventures: The Incident

**Author's Note:**

> let me have a happy and safe au where dave does dumb shit

\--turntechgodhead (TG) began pestering tentacletherapist (TT) at 10:01--  
TG: hey rose  
TT: I'm busy.  
TG: no rose listen to this i kind of fucked up  
TT: In case you didn't get the memo, I don't exist as some sort of romantic guru that you can dump all your relationship problems on. Shocking, I understand.  
TG: what the fuck rose how can you just insinuate that ill have love problems lemme tell you nothing has changed okay status quo is safe and im still a single loser  
TT: It appears that the humble bug has gotten to you today. If I weren't busy, as I've told you, I would be very tempted to stay and listen. However, shucks buster, too bad for you and later, loser.  
\-- tentacletherapist (TT) has stopped pestering turntechgodhead (TG) at 10:03--  
TG: fucking damn this motherfucking shit  
\--turntechgodhead (TG) has stopped pestering tentacletherapist (TT) at 10:03--  
\--turntechgodhead (TG) began pestering ghostytrickster (GT) at 10:05--  
TG: psst john  
GT: hello to you too, dave!  
TG: this isnt time for semantics john i need help i fucked up  
GT: ummm, dave in case you didn't get the memo, i'm not some sort of genius love expert that you should rely on for advice.  
TG: dont give me this again i dont need someone else insinuating that im a pathetic lover boy who cant get any tail  
GT: you kind of are! heheheh.  
TG: stop the train of thought right there this problem is completely free from any sort of puberty hormones  
GT: okay, dave, lay it on me! tell me the lame problem that's been bothering you.  
TG: fuck you egbert its not lame  
TG: thing is something occurred that may or may not be entirely my fault  
TG: on account of something infinitesimally inconsequential  
GT: sort of like your dick?  
TG: john this isnt the time for jokes my livelihood is on the line here  
TG: also fuck you  
TG: remember how i burned down my last apartment building because i was trying out the sicknasty cake recipe that your dad sent my bro and i  
GT: yeah, how'd that even happen?  
TG: nevermind how it happened point is that it did and my old home is now gone with the wind to ride in the vahlalla of fuck you strider  
TG: and bros moved us to this rundown flat without any heating and hes playing the character of the poor older brother struggling to raise his charge ironically  
TG: really killing it too nice touch with the custom imported furniture shipped from europe in the middle of a fucking dump excuse of a living space  
GT: blugh blugh blugh get to the point dave!!  
TG: well it turned out that were right above this dude  
TG: the existence of this dude is really important to this narrative because bro took one look at him and decided that he wanted his ass  
TG: he didnt say as much but its there i see it in his rainbow colored eyes he wants the d  
GT: i don't exist to serve as a love counselor to your bro, either! make him read advice books for gay introverts. i'm really bad at this love column thing :/  
TG: john shut the fuck up and listen to me  
TG: and bro doesnt need those  
GT: he sort of does! i mean, if he wants to keep his current lifestyle as a douchey guy who creeps around everywhere rapping, fine, but normal interactions don't swallow that schtick.  
TG: weve talked about this theres nothing wrong will you please stop fucking trashing him hes a grown ass man he does what he wants  
TG: besides he had to raise me for 15 years you think its easy raising a fine ass strider  
GT: sorry, dave. i went out of the line there. but what does him crushing on some dude have to do with you? did you accidentally kill the dude?  
TG: apology accepted and no i didnt commit murder  
TG: the dudes a moodsetter for my bros shitty mood and general antidave attitude for when he finds out about the real event  
GT: so it turns out that he's not even a central character???  
TG: calm your tits im a master at this plot weaving im getting there  
GT: dave, its late and i have a game tomorrow. you're just going to tell me something like you caused your bro to pants himself or something in front of the dude and now you tried to make your bro a cake or something and burned down your flat. again.  
TG: holy shit  
GT: holy shit  
GT: i was right????  
TG: youre not  
TG: half of the flat escaped the flames  
TG: but the fire extinguisher foam is covering everything  
TG: what do you even call those  
TG: flame foams  
TG: flame dowsers  
GT: dave, calm down!  
GT: don't panic, you can get through this!  
GT: after i laugh my ass off!!!  
TG: you know what im in a shitty mood i dont need this from you  
GT: come on, dave, you can't tell me you didn't think that was hilarious and ironic!  
TG: ...  
GT: your bro is probably going to high five you or something because of the incredible irony that is going on around here  
GT: or he would if you didn't make him humiliate himself in front of some guy.  
TG: thanks john this really tickles my muffin i am extremely reassured by you right now  
TG: leading to my first point i fucked up and i need help  
GT: i don't know?? invite the guy that started off everything and make him stand by as some sort of pacifier??? make him wear a bikini or something  
GT: dave you're not answering  
GT: i get it, that was a shitty response let me think some more alright?  
TG: no  
TG: that is brilliant  
GT: umm  
TG: we should have a bikini here somewhere  
GT: wait dave i dont think its such a good idea after all  
TG: are you kidding john youre a genius i could kiss you  
TG: ew  
GT: ew  
TG: anyway later ive got to stabilize this shit  
GT: dave, wait!  
\-- turntechgodhead (TG) has stopped pestering ghostytrickster (GT) at 10:35 --  
GT: shit  
GT: i'm going to be online for the rest of the day so if you need someone to lick your wounds after that plan blows up in your face i'll be on  
\-- ghostytrickster (GT) has stopped pestering turntechgodhead (TG) at 10:35 --  
\-- titularthespian (TT) began pestering gardengnostic (GG) at 15:14 --  
TT: Good afternoon.  
GG: hi, dave's bro!!!  
TT: Hello, Dave's friend. I'm logging on to do the customary informing session to, as the name implies, inform you that Dave has lost his internet privileges and so won't be online for a week.  
GG: DDDD: !!!!!!  
GG: oh noes!  
GG: what did he do???  
TT: That is not important, besides, he'd inform the three of you after he's finished being grounded.  
GG: :/  
GG: pretty please?  
TT: Even your most beautiful pleas are deaf to my ears. Mostly because I can't hear you over chat but also because I refuse to even consider telling the story.  
GG: oh, well, i guess i'd have to ask him later, then.  
TT: Of course. Now I have a couple of broken preserved dead things in jars to dispose of and a new apartment to buy as well as a lawsuit to discourage.  
TT: Later.  
GG: ???????????????????  
\-- titularthespian (TT) stopped gardengnostic (GG) at 15:25 --  
\--gardengnostic (GG) began pestering ghostytrickster (GT) at 15:30 --  
GG: have you heard that dave's grounded yet?  
GT: yeah, i'm getting his bro's message right now actually.  
GG: D:  
GG: what do you think he did?  
GT: uuuuh.  
GT: dave was probably being a stupid shit as usual.  
GG: that makes sense  
GG: :/   



End file.
